I have been told on multiple occasions that we look exactly alike, one the carbon-copy of the future and one of the past. I choose to tell you on a site that you will never find the words that I lack the _____ to tell you in person: I truly admire you. Although we butt heads most of the time, if it weren’t for you, I wouldn’t have so many of the characteristics that I value. Your unflagging stubbornness or sheer determination and your constant search for novelty have worn off on me. You taught me how to appreciate small things in life and how to be strong in the face of the greater schemes of life.
Although I am absolutely horrible at showing it, I am grateful for you and everything you’ve done. I know how hard you work for what you love and how much you’ve sacrificed for me and the rest of the family. You’ve given so much. So much. You’ve put us before everything else and no matter what, you always have our best interests at heart. You have always been there, cheering me on, sometimes pushing and sometimes pulling me towards the end goal. This has also taught me how to say no (hah).
But all in all, no matter how independent I’ll appear on the outside, I will always reserve a special, unmarked spot for you in my heart and I will never truly outgrow your care.
Held down by earthly desires, she felt them shifting, wings unfolding between her shoulder blades, restlessly beneath her paper skin, like the shivering sheets of the flimsy textbook pages laid out before her, paving a road to somewhere she didn’t even know if she wanted to go.
“Goodnight,” I softly sighed as I kissed the budding sun farewell and let my breaths mingle and melt with thoughts of white covers and drawn blinds.
At 3:30 AM I decided Club Leavey was too depressing and I quickly hastened for the exit, mounting the stairs that led to ground level—but reminded me of more hellish layers of Earth due to its cyan and salmon color scheme—in two’s.
At 3:33 AM I inhaled the freshest breath of air I could get in LA and started pedaling for my slightly more-desirable apartment. The wind barely stung, spring’s sweet chilliness in comparison to winter’s detached coldness reminded me of the playful greetings of a casual lover. Whether it was because I was tired or because my eyesight really has been deteriorating, the yellow globes of light that dotted the outline of the Finger Fountain blurred prettily, breaking the otherwise picture-perfect stillness of the scene.
At 3:37 AM I slowed to a stop and banged my hand against the undoubtably unsanitary stop-light button while gazing in marvel at the utter lack of natural movement. Well, except for the light compressions of my breathing and the strange shuffling of this bug-eyed, stout man. I watched him unabashedly, curiously jotting mental notes on this unheard of and new addition to the Phylum Mollusca family. If he noticed my gaze, he didn’t show it, instead he continued his trek.
At 3:38 AM I wanted to know this man’s story. My inhibitions tiredly stepped aside and the strangest burst of friendliness and want to call out and invite myself into his world came onto me. I began constructing his life for him, like I had with the pensive Asian outside of Rieber who was obviously waiting for the girl of his dreams or some sort of nonsense like that. But wait, I didn’t want to do this man any sort of disservice, who knew the truth behind his story or if my contrived version would do it justice..
At 3:39 AM the light switched and thoughts of snail-men quickly fell behind each turn of my deflated tires.
At 4:30 AM I am still awake because sleep won’t have me anymore, knowing that my mind has wandered from its embrace.
Between my heart and ego, I’m full to the brim of complicated feelings about us. First one being that there is no us. Not now and not in any promising future. We, even on our best days combined, will never be in sync enough to make something of our nothing. Still, I’m the one that walks away, the one that is rational and smart enough to see this for what it is. But if that’s true, then why do I notice, in a full body ache sort of way, when you don’t reach out to stop me?